Guess what?

CHICKEN BUTT!!

And also

I'm nervous because I asked a man out on a date. No more of this hanging out bull shit. A date. And our phones aren't really texting each other. So I'm nervous. And I can't believe I actually did that. And I don't know why, but if he says no, I can just quickly move on I suppose.

This morning

I dropped Olivia off at school today. I was playing on the playground with Daphne and Greta when this other sitter came up to me and told me I had something red on my cheeks. I paused for a moment imagining different endings. One where I used swears and made all the children cry. One where I punched her in the throat and made the children cry...

I took the route without immediate tears and said.

I know my cheeks are red.
And walked away. 
You don't think I've never noticed that my cheeks are red? Ugh. Leave me alone and save your commentary until after I leave.

Friends

I am so lucky. I have some of the greatest friends in the world. I just love to be around them and talk to them.
I know that there are tough times in everyone's life, and it's so nice to know that I have friends there when I need them. I hope that I am there for them when they need me. <3
I love you, friends.

i know i don't have all the details but

I know that I'm just an outsider looking in, but when you make a quarrel public over Facebook, it is really easy for outsiders to make their own assumptions. And the assumption I choose to make is that both of you are immature assholes and I make that conclusion after a few years of knowing everyone who is involved. and i know that you have an elitist complex and you make people kiss so far up your ass that they get stuck in the vortex that is your ass. Now when I say "you" I'm talking about everyone involved. Because you choose your friends. And you choose people just like you (or those posers who choose to try to be just like you and lose their own identity trying to appeal to an arrogant elitist like yourself.)
But a fight with your friend is really a fight with yourself because you're getting angry at a quality you wish yourself you didn't have.

But the thing is, you're being insanely rude. And you've always been as such. And I'm so glad that you showed me your true colors early on. That way I didn't get hurt and I didn't get stuck in a world that revolves around a spoiled brat like you. It's refreshing to look at my life and see that I'm moving forward. I'm a little bummed that you can't move forward too. But I understand that you're stupid. And I knew that when I left.

Pluto hasn't been a planet for as long as you could talk

On other news, the 6 year old I watch told me she had a nightmare that bad aliens kidnapped good aliens from the planet pluto. Pluto hasn't been a planet for a long time. It lost it's planethood when she was 1.
I have no clue where she could have pulled any of that information from. She doesn't know her planets. So that's weird.

I thought I had face blindness.

I thought I had face blindness.
But then I heard about the symptoms of said condition, and it turns out that I don't.
I am really, really bad at remembering faces and names.
And I don't mean to seem like an asshole, but when I first meet people, I don't remember their name or their face. I've been taking a whole lot of classes since I moved here. I've even taken some one day classes, and people recognize me from that. And I don't recognize them. At all. Like there is nothing in my memory that I held onto. I think everyone in chicago looks the same. That's not true, but I think I recognize people here and people there, but it's really just that people in general look exactly the same to me. And I try to tell them apart, but I can't until you tell me some weird story or something.
I make mental notes like "john is wearing a back shirt that says "evolve" on it, so that is john" then john always has to wear that black shirt for me to know who he is...
People say they are bad with names, but then they meet me... and after the seventh time, they understand, that I'm really bad with names.

Singing happy birthday

I sang happy birthday to my dear father tonight. At midnight, I was on the phone with him. He called me back and I answered my phone and paused my TV show at the good part. We were talking, then it turned 12:00 AM and I wished him a happy birthday, and started singing. As I was singing, I was fiddling with the remote and ACCIDENTALLY CHANGED THE CHANNEL! And when you're pausing live tv, you CAN'T change it back to the channel you were watching and have it pick up where you left off! You just can't! And having paused my show in such a critical moment of the action, the only option was to scream NOO!

So my song went like this:
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
NNOOOOO!
Happy --- Dad, I'll explain what happened in a minute, just let me finish singing your song
Birthday dear, Dad,
Happy Birthday to you!

Not sleeping tonight.

I could have been asleep there. I was reading a book. I was drifting off into a beautiful dream land, and the book that was half propped up by my pillow and half being held onto with my left hand came and hit me in the face! How annoying.
Whatever. I guess that's just the way my night is going. And now, now it's 4 AM.

and nothing happens at 4 in the morning. nothing. nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing.
I'm sleepy.

It's happening!

I saw almost a month ago the Philippe Gaulier is coming to Chicago to teach a Clown workshop.
I looked him up on Google to learn about him. I really wanted to take his workshop. But it was expensive. I went back and forth between saying I was doing it, and saying I wasn't that it was a little ridiculous. Then I was told I had to choose. And I did it. I am signed up. And I made the deposit.
I was worried about money. But then, people in the 3 other people asked me to babysit in the neighborhood for this coming week. Sweet. Extra cash. And I was left work projects by the people I nanny for, and so I will continue to get paid this week and next while I clean the closet and play room and put away old clothing and old toys. So everything is working out. And I didn't need to freak out. :)
This is happening, and I'm very, very excited.

Sleep talking

You go through stages in life, where sometimes things are tough.
I notice when my sleep pattern gets all messy that I'm going through a rough patch. I will stay up pretty late, or fall asleep then wake up at 1 or 2 in the morning and stay up all night. Some good solid rest would be nice, but it doesn't seem to something my body will agree to.

I've realized recently that things happened in my life that have deeply impacted me for who I am and the person I've become. I'm not going to share publicly what those events are, because I need the assurance that people won't judge me for what happened.

Sorting out these events seem really weird. I've even joined a support group online. Which seems weird that I've taken that step. But I feel that in order for healing to truly occur, I need a place to go to talk where I can feel free to express who I am, to not feel pressured to talk, and not feel pressured when I am not ready to talk. Talking can only do so much good. And when you force someone to talk about something they aren't ready to talk about, it just seems to hurt more.

Today on the bus, I think I saw this girl that was in a movie at the Chicago Underground Film Festival last weekend. I kept looking at her, but I couldn't tell for sure. But then I realized I was that creepy person on the bus.

I don't know what I'm really saying. I've taken benadryl and am very sleepy. I've noticed nights when I take medicine that makes me sleepy I have a higher rate of calling people and texting people in my sleep. I've taken the measure this week to place my phone across the room to prevent that from happening.

It's unusual that I feel like I can fool everyone when I'm sleeping and answer my phone and pretend I've been awake for a long time. I don't think anyone buys it, except myself. I guess I'm only fooling myself.

I've got a lot to do in the morning. I'm also battling a lot of nerves right now for my upcoming performance.

I'm just sleepy and can't seem to rest.

rain, seriously just stop

The weather impacts my body.
Low pressure weather most definitely bothers it.
My whole body feels like an old creaky door that is super heavy and doesn't want to be opened.
So I've been lounging around a lot. It's a lot harder to work out when my body feels like this. I don't like it. It's actually a lot harder to do almost everything when my body feels like this.
I woke up at noon today, to a thunderstorm.
It made me sigh. I don't really want another day with rain and it to be overcast. I need a beautiful sunshiney day where I hear birds singing and I go for an awesome walk somewhere.
But I can't let my body stay still, I have to get out and move.

What really frustrates me is I don't know why my body aches like this. I feel like it could be a very real possibility that I have fibromyalgia but when I was talking to my doctor about it, he didn't want to give me the diagnosis because it's not something he believes in because some of the medical world still thinks that women are making up this pain, which is just stupid because as a person feeling this pain, but who is an other wise healthy female, this pain is real. And it hurts to the point of tears.

But whatever.
I just feel like shit, and have no reason to.

my life as a nanny

I realized on my walk to school to drop off Olivia today, that I spend 8 hours of my day talking to two children that either can't talk or is still learning how to talk.

After I put the baby to sleep, I was walking down the stairs and I said "Daphne, are you staying out of trouble" And she said "Yes." And then I said "Really? then she said "No, actually."
And as I turn the corner, I see she's gotten herself stuck in her baby sisters car seat, and managed to buckle part of herself in the seat.
It made me laugh.

My hair had a rough weekend

I just looked at a picture of my hair, before Thursday, and I started to cry.
I dyed it, and wasted time and money by putting all sorts of chemicals in it for literally NOTHING to have changed. My hair is the EXACT same color.

Also, I got it cut way too short. I was really excited that my hair was long again, and the guy didn't listen to me at all, because I said I don't like layers and I want a little trim and I don't want my bangs cut at all because I'm trying to grow them out and now I've got ugly layers and it's ugly and short again and I hate it so much. And there is nothing I can do about it but wait for it to grow again and that makes me really really really REALLY upset!

Weird fear #11

I am scared that because I have long hair, that I might accidentally strangle myself in my sleep.

...

I'm not joking.
I'm being serious.
Like, my hair, there is a lot of it.
And I move around in my sleep. A lot. And I wake up and it's going in every direction. What is to stop it from wrapping around my neck and getting stuck under arm or something and then me moving just a little more and I slowly get strangled by myself?

Is this just another weird Lizzy thing, or do other people with long hair fear this?

has a potty mouth when she first wakes up in the morning

the very first thing I said this morning when I awoke was "shit." Then I fumbled for my cell phone to check the time which was followed by a loud "FUCK!"

Yeah. today is the first day that I have slept through something I really actually wanted to do.
So dammit.
That really sucks.

laughing my day away

Several funny things happened to me today.
I will share a couple.
When Melissa got home from work (which is when I get off work, because I'm a nanny and all) she was asking her girls a question "Which one of you is always biting the erasers off of the pencils?" Daphne, the two year old said. "Oh. It's me. I do that." She sighed and looked over at me. "And Wizzy too."
Then I was talking about how fun the clown revue was with the pie fight afterwards, and I said "Yeah, I couldn't seem to get all the shaving cream smell out of my hair"
Olivia, the six year old, climbs up on the chair next to me, grabs my hair smells it. Then "Oh yeah. Still smelly!"
I don't know why I thought those things were funny. They just are.

I know sometimes, I post sad blogs when I'm feeling sad. But I feel like my overall well being has improved. Even though yesterday ended in tears, so many cool things happened in the day. And I think partly it was because I was so tired. But partly because I feel like I'm a bad person for lying. Twice. But overall, it was awesome. I got to dress up as a clown and give away flowers. People laughed and it was fantastic. :)
I know that there are ups and downs in life, and I'm ok with that. I guess I don't want to concern anyone. And I don't need to talk to anyone about my problems, because I'll probably just lie about them so people don't think I'm a bad person or something stupid like that. If I DO need to talk, I'll probably call you. So just wait for me to take that step and don't try and swoop in and save me. I'm just writing to see if I personally can get a better grip on my emotions.
but today, i feel much better, and can laugh.

as i cry

i cry thinking that tears are no good.
it's strange.
i feel like a liar.
i used stand on my little soap box saying that tears are good. i would give this whole speech about it will really help you feel your emotions. and how it heals these emotional wounds we have. and once we really feel this pain we've been carrying around, only then can it heal. and crying is one of those ways that we feel pain. so it's really good just to cry. a good cry every now and then is just what you need.

i'm am full of shit.
i don't know why i said all that.
i don't know why i thought others would believe it.
i just wish this thing never happened with a person that i love. because my heart just hurts every day when i think about what was done. what was said. and what still is being said. i don't want this to be hurtful any more. i want this person to know that i still love them. i want this person to forgive me. but this person doesn't even talk to me.

but as i sit here crying, i just think about how full of shit i am, because i don't feel better. and i can't even come up with a solution to my problem.

glitter in your eye is a bitch!

And you better believe that I will say every cuss word I know until it stopped the glitter got out.
It was an accident. Getting the glitter in my eye. I didn't do it on purpose. I thought I should clear that up, just in case anyone was wondering.
The reason that I got it in my eye was because I was trying on different ways to do my make up for the clown revue tomorrow night!
I'm excited for it. I'll be performing in a weird way. I'm making flowers before the show. And giving them to them.
I'm a little nervous. Because of my whole social anxiety thing. But, I won't let it stop me, dammit.
The girls I watch really like the roses. Olivia keeps giving them away, and Daphne carries them around and squishes them. So I keep making more of them.
That is all I have to say.

there was a guy at target...

I was grumpy when I was at target, because the woman told me that they had no skirts. And I asked "at all?" and she, in her thick accent repeated herself "no skirts"
Every time I passed a skirt, I thought, I should pull her over here and ask her what this is. Just to be a bitch. I understand it's the end of the week, but you don't have to be a jerk to me, and tell me that all of target has no fucking skirts. Really? Whore.
I found some black shorts I liked better than a skirt, and I went to check out. I was talking to the guy, and I asked him how he was doing, and he asked me how I was and I said "honestly, I'm a little stress" and I started telling him how I'm getting nervous for this clown revue on sunday night. He told me that he couldn't relate, but he's really stressed because of finals. And I told him that I don't miss finals week AT ALL in college. And it was a fun little flirty thing. By the was, I've got 3 items to scan while we're talking. So we were literally just standing there talking.
And then I invited him to the clown revue. I told him it would be a good break from finals and that it would be really funny.
It was weird. I wonder who exactly I am, going from barely being able to talk to men I like, to flirting with this random guy at target. It just feels really uncharacteristic of me. So yeah.

Where did that hour go?

I've been really confused as to why I wasn't able to walk from my house to the Second City in an hour.

Like, it made no sense to me how this walk that I've gone on before, suddenly was taking me a lot longer.

Then I started realizing the "hour" that I had.
Class started at 7. I wanted to be there at 6:50 to change my clothes. So there my hour was is now 50 minutes.
Then I kept running back in when I realized I forgot things, like, my water bottle, and stuff. So, I wasn't actually out of my house and walking until 6:10. And I can verify this because I called my sister once I left, and my phone says 6:10. So then the hour I planned shrunk again to 40 minutes.
And for the 10 minutes I was talking to her I was walking at quiet the leisurely pace because I was chatting with my sister and wasn't paying attention. Now I understand why from 6:20 to 6:50 I was briskly walking. And by briskly it, may have been a light jog at some points.

Peanut Butter

My friend Julie and her sister made this for 7 day shorts at the second city.
It totally rocks! Check it out!
Julie's Video on YouTube

neon lizzy

I've assembled a lot of neon clothes for my clown costume.
Daphne, the girl I watch, is scared of me when I'm wearing all those brightly colored clothes. I don't blame her.
I feel naked when I wear those clothes. But not like because they're immodest or anything, but it just draws more attention to me. . . and that's not my favorite thing. . .
here is neon lizzy. she's weird.

MAY 1!

Today is now May 1! Whoa! I can't believe that this will be my 5th month living in Chicago.
Weird.
But, it is such a beautiful night tonight.
I wonder what it would be like if I had a motorcycle to ride...
But, yes, so beautiful.
I was debating on if I should go for a walk or not. But I decided against it. I mean, I already took my bra off, and I don't want to put it back on. And I don't want to get raped and I misplaced my pepper spray. And if I walk too far (like I usually do) the bus by my place doesn't run this late so I wouldn't be able to get back to my house easily for cheap.
Anyway.
I want to get some water. But I misplaced my water bottle. Bummer. I mean, I could get a cup, but if it's anywhere within a 10 foot radius around my bed, it will get knocked over, and it will start cussing because of how annoying it is that I can't seem to be able to get a drink of water when I'm thirsty at night without making a huge mess. The water bottle prevents that from happening. Really, it's like a sippy cup. I mean, I use it mostly to prevent messes from happening. Like you do when you give a child a sippy cup.
Anyway, now that I've compared my ability to drink water from a cup to that of a young child, I'm probably going to sleep. It is almost 3 and all.

Oh.
And by the way. Today was fun.
I painted the nails at Olivia's spa parties. For some reason kids love me, and they will talk to me all day about everything.
Then, I went on a walk with Stephanie, and it was fun.
And then I saw the varity show at Prop thtr. That was super cool too.
So yeah. super cool fun day.

What a lovely unplanned evening!

I had a very wonderful friday night tonight.
It was charmingly unplanned.
I left at 5 o'clock in order to walk to Swirlz Cupcakes. I wanted to walk because I needed to work off some of those calories. Also, I really do enjoy walking. It's not as bad as most people make it out to be.
Anywho, I was walking past the Steppenwolf, where my friend Julia works, and I sent her a little text message. She told me she wasn't there, normally, but at the Time Line Theater. Then she invited me to come see the Front Page!
So I did!
I stopped at Swirlz, grabbed 2 cupcakes, one for her, and one for me. Then I jumped on the train, so I could have time to get dinner, and see the show, and I went to retrieve a free slice of pizza. Then I walked from the pizza place to the theater. It was lovely.
The show was good.
And it was so good to see Julia. :)
Hurray for such a good night!

Don't mind me, I just have very large boobs.

I was listening to this podcast and I'm outraged at people who aren't ok with breasts. Just in general. It's not ok that you're not ok with breasts.

And one woman went as far as saying "There is no greater crime then to show cleavage."
REALLY?

I can think of one right of the top of my head. MURDER! That's a horrible horrible crime! Don't tell me that showing the space between my (awesome) breasts is a greater crime than murder.

Honestly, it's not. And I'm really mad that someone would say such a thing. I don't know why.
I mean this is something that I don't have control over. . . Well I guess I do have control over it, but I'm not going to do anything about it because it costs at least 6 grand in order for me to get a breast reduction.

Don't mind me. I'll just go spend $6000 on a boob job so that YOU will not feel so threated by me.

You know what. YOU should go get that boob job. You know why? Because you're really just jealous of my awesome breasts, and it costs less money to get bigger boobs than it does smaller boobs. ($3000)

I just am really really really really really annoyed at any person to say such a stupid thing. I'm also annoyed at the man who told me my sophomore year of college that my breasts were too big to be attractive. Guess what. I hate both of you. You're both wrong.

You better believe I am posting an awesome cleavage picture.

Spiders, Earthquakes, Tornadoes and Volcanoes

When I used to think about moving out of state, I always did a lot of research of the state that could be my future state of residence. The research involves what type of spiders are there, what are the chances of a tornado, is it on an active fault line, is there a volcano nearby and is it active or dormant.

And this is probably because I am paranoid.

But I realized as I walked out of the bathroom last night, and let out a small yelp when there was a scary spider on the wall, that I did not do any such research on the state of Illinois.

I just up and moved here.
Which seems so weird to me, because a year ago I got this scholarship to the Second City. And I was really excited that I would get to take a trip all by myself to a big city. But at the same time I thought weeeeeellllll it's a big city, and I don't really like big cities...
But what are vacations for to get away.

The then all the sudden within 3 days of being in Chicago I got off the train one morning and I thought "I'm going to live here." Which was weird because I've never really thought that about any place before.
And by the time I was leaving Chicago, I was getting all teary eyed because I didn't want to leave and it was the most beautiful big cities I've ever been to.


I find it so obscure that I never had the desire to even go to Chicago. Like it was never ever on my list of places to even visit, let alone live in.

But I am so happy that I live here now.
And yeah, times get weird when I think "If I didn't leave Utah I could still show up on a friend's doorstep with a red box and ice cream unannounced and they'd let me in and we'd watch the movie and eat the ice cream" But I also think that it's cool that I'm feeling sad, in Chicago. :)

I should be getting ready but...

I'm sitting on my bed. Naked. Blogging.

Stop Crying! Cry baby!

I got an email with instructions for a class I'm taking. There was one part of the email that was really funny. And I literally laughed out loud. And it was a good belly laugh too. Then like all of the sudden I started to cry. And it was like a break down in tears cry.

Audience Participation

I just need to write this little bit before I go out and explore this beautiful day.

I am not a fan of audience participation bits where I'm pulled on stage. When it happens to other people that's fine. If I'm the asshole of the performer that pulls someone on stage, that's fine too. I just don't enjoy them happening to me. I like to be on stage, but don't like being on stage by not my choice.
It's really uncomfortable and makes me feel weird and I'm already a really awkward person. . .

So I got picked for an audience participation bit. I didn't volunteer. I was just picked. My friend pulled me on stage. Before he did, I thought I was safe. I thought because he knew me, he wouldn't pull me on stage. Then he grabbed another girl, so really thought I phew no need to worry. But then I shouldn't have thought that. He grabbed me too.

It was a fun little piece of clown. And oddly enough for me not liking being forced to stand awkwardly on stage, it was the best and least awkward part of my weird and awkward friday night surprise date...

I got a bike!

So yeah. That's my bike. I got her for 40 bucks. The lady was asking 60 obo on cl. And then, turns out she needed cash quick, so I felt like I had the upper hand, and I talked her down 20 bucks.
But then, I've noticed on craigslist over the last 3 weeks, the price of bikes have increased about 40 dollars. Like, when I first started looking, there were ok bikes for about 60-70 dollar on the low end. But then it's gone up to 100-110 for the cheapest. I'm pretty sure that this lady didn't know how to post a picture online, so no one had bothered with her ad. And she literally lives down the street from me. So I walked over to check it out. And loved it.
Super stoked about the color. Like, is there a green that would fit me better?
I gotta get the front breaks fixed. Luckily I've got two neighbors who are very willing to help with that. So that's pretty sweet.
I need a lock and helmet and I'll be set! Yipee!

Helmets

So, I came to the realization tonight that I have been spelling spelling helmet wrong for a really long time. I keep throwing a n in there like helment. I don't know why. I just do.
But, I saw a pretty cool show. Superman 2050. This rad rendition of superman was told by 7 performers, all on a 3'X7' platform. I really enjoyed it.
Curse of my smart phone, I read an email I got from a friend I got in Utah, who I miss dearly, and it made me all teary-eyed before the show started.

What else. Oh yeah. My friend saw the show too. He left before the second show. I stuck around. Thought it'd be the thing to do. And I should have left too. But I didn't. I made it through that weird ass performance of dance... And I noticed my friend left his helmet. I text him to find out what he wanted to do. I found out was still in the area and took it over to him.
Then when I got home, I was walking down the hallway to my room. And then I tripped over Daphne's helmet. I thought I could make it through the hallway in the dark. What I didn't expect was the hallway to be booby trapped with a lot of toys.
But anyway. I want to get a helmet. And also a bike. You know, so I can get around the city a little easier. Save money on transit. Also, continue to get exercise in after my membership to this dance place expires.

Anyway, I woke up too early and can't go back to sleep, and I'm scanning craigslist for bikes.

I probably would have shot myself in the foot.

I did kickboxing tonight with Kareem.
Whoa.
Like. . .
Whoa.
I don't know if I've personally ever pushed myself so hard during a workout. It was tough. And Kareem is INTENSE. If you try to leave, he will stop you, and block the doors, and not let you leave. He's the kind of teacher that comes over and yells at you to do better. And has you punch or kick his hands. Or will turn off the music (That he's sped up to 180 beat a minute) and call your bluff. It's a little scary.

There was a point halfway through class where I thought if someone walked in here, and handed me a gun and said "You can either shoot yourself finish class right now, or shoot yourself in the foot." I would have shot myself in the foot.
But I didn't. Well, duh. That wasn't a real option for me. It's just something I thought of. But, I stuck with it, and pushed myself past the point where I thought I could do no more, and then did more!
THEN I stuck around for Zumba.
Man. I'm proud of myself because I made it!

I hate spring time.

I don't really care for spring time. It's like the biggest tease of a season. Especially early spring, It's like, I'm going to entice you with nice warm 60 degree days where you can go outside with a light jacket! Then tomorrow morning, you'll wake up and I'll be a cold angry bitch again!
Blah. I just need some warmer weather so that I won't want to stay in and hibernate all day long.

Um.
The short I did went over well.
It got a good amount of laughs. No one has told me they hated it. So that's good. If you click here it will take you straight to the video. If you missed that. It's right here. Just click it anywhere in the last two sentences and you will go there. Do you understand how a link works?
I'm sorry I'm being rude.
I hope you enjoy the video.

I'm grumpy.
I actually like winter way more than spring. You know what you're going to get in winter. Dark, cold, snow. Predictable.

I lied, the other day. It was on Monday.
When it would have been so easy to tell the truth.
Here's what happened. I've had a lot on my mind. And it's stressing me out.
And I wear my emotions on my sleeve.
I walked into a room. Two people are in there. I know one person, I don't know the other. The person I know asks me if I was okay, or something along those lines, because I was not feeling ok. And it was apparent.
I could have just told the truth, and said "No. I'm just having a rough time. But I'll be ok." And shrugged or something.
But I actually said "No, yeah. I'm fine. I just walked here." Which that doesn't even make sense. And then I gave him money.
This situation seems really weird when I just show a snip it of it here.

Whatever. I'm just sad. And having a rough time. But I don't have grown up friends in Chicago. Thanks for that being pointed out to me and rubbed in my face all week long last week.

I hate spring time.

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!

Ok. I got my film recoded, edited, and converted over to a .mov file successfully!
That means my short for the suggestion Slinky is all finished and ready to go! How exciting!
I'm super excited, I am going to take a break from it, sleep, then go to work, review it tomorrow, to make sure I spelled everything right, and send it off!

I'm so excited! I can't wait for Tuesday!
(Actually I'm really nervous for Tuesday because I will find out if it's really funny or not.)
Ok. Ok. Ok. okokokokokokok!
Agh.
I should just go to sleep right now so that I don't have to think about this. But guess what I'll be thinking about until Tuesday? Just this.

I tried yoga again today.

I almost didn't make it to class.
My phone didn't update (Thanks Verizon Wireless) And I didn't wake up on time. So I skipped breakfast, and power walked there.

I was hesitant to go there, because last time I got a little tearful. And then I left the class hating myself way more than when I entered.
And in turn, Friday night was a rotten rotten night. Well, it wasn't too bad because I went to this sushi place close by, not because the sushi is that good, but because the people there are nice. So I did that.

But class today was much much better. I was more calm. I was less I hate my body because my boobs are too big. I felt like I was working with myself more than last time. So that was good.

So I don't hate yoga as much as I did on friday.

Things

These are things I want right now, but I need to balance my money in some way so I can get them all.
1. A plane ticket to Utah.
2. A tattoo
3. More improv/acting/clowning/stand up classes
4. A bike
5. A new camera (as of today because mine no longer turns on. and the battery is charged.)
6. New bras. Like at least 3. And I would like at least one to be a "cute" bra. Because I seem to only have "sexy" bras.

Yeah. All of those things cost a lot of money.
I'm trying to get things in balance so I can get all of those things.

I was holding my shit together UNTIL

Someone showed they cared about me.
Then I broke down.

I don't necessarily like to cry in public. Like sometimes it just happens where I'm sad, and I need have a good old fashioned cry and I happen to be in a public space so I cry. And most people are scared to see a person cry, so they leave me alone which is awesome. But when I'm at some random diner and I'm eating my dinner all by myself, and then Allen sends me the most simple of texts that shows he's greatful for my friendship, and that he still cares about me. . . and I completely breakdown in tears.

I was facing away from most everyone in the diner, which is unusual for me because I typically like to face people, and watch them interact. So the only person that could really see me was my server. So I started to cry. Then my server walked by. I'm just crying. She seems like a caring person and so she stopped and without saying anything verbally, she asked me what was wrong. I can't explain to her why I was crying I just was. And it wasn't that I was crying so hard that I couldn't talk or breathe. But if told her why I was crying, it'd would make me want to cry some more. So, I just kind of nodded in a way to answer her question

I just miss some really great people in my life.
And it sucks too because I know that I can't be with all of those people in Utah and be happy. I am happy in Chicago. I just miss good people that care.
And I'm not saying that no body here cares about me. It's just that here, no one really knows me yet.

Yoga.

Some days. I hate yoga so much, and I don't know why I put myself through the hell of going to an awful class where I get reminded of how fucking HUGE my tits are and how I can't do some poses because my breasts are in the way!
Then moving in and out of poses sucks too because my back hurts so bad, because I've got these massive punching bags on my chest! They are ridiculous.
I'm ridiculous.
I'm super angry/sad right now and I can't figure out why, because I thought yoga was supposed to be this beautiful calming thing. But it's not for me. It makes me so upset I don't know what to do with myself!

champagne is sparkling wine.

It is. And I'm right about it.
I got in this argument about it today with my best friend. He said "I had my first glass of wine the other day" and I said "No you had champagne at Sammy's wedding!" "Champagne isn't wine." "Yes it is!" And then a really heated argument followed. But guess who was right in the end. Me.
But then I stopped to realize how ridiculous I am, because I was arguing over whether or not something was wine! Yeah. That really happened today. It was really stupid on my part, like I know I should have dropped it. But I didn't. But I know that we're still friends. AND he's coming out to visit me in less than a week and I'm super excited to see someone from Utah! I'm a little surprised it's him, because he kept saying he'd come down to visit me when I lived 4 hours away, and did that twice the whole time I lived there, but yay! A friend that knows me on deep awkward social levels!
I can't wait.

Introvert

About a week or so ago, I had a friend on facebook post this article about Caring for Your Introvert, by Jonathan Rauch.
The whole article is awesome. You should check it out.
I'm going to quote the introduction here, because for some weird reason, his first paragraph is me. He describes me. And it freaks me out.

Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?
-Jonathan Rauch

As soon as I read this article, I posted it on Matt's page and I told him he needs to be nice to me. And part of being nice to me, Matthew, means don't bring up my awkward dragonfly story again. Please, and thank you.

It's weird, because I remember talking to my roommates this summer while I was really frustrated with life and I said something along the lines of "I'm an introvert that is being forced to do extroverted things and I don't like it!"

I always felt like it's a bad thing to be an introvert. Like, the way all my psychology text books made it sound was that it's almost like I have some kind of disease. But in general, I freaking hate psychology text books. HATE them. Maybe a good thing I dropped out of school? But as I was reading this, and realizing that those stupid tests that always scored me as more of an introvert than extrovert are probably right.

And on a side note, I got both the girls napping today, at the same time. Thank goodness. I get off work in an hour, and I'm so looking forward to napping, then doing Zumba, then Kickboxing then sleep!

Cardio Kickboxing + Zumba Toning!

Yeah. I totally did Cardio Kickboxing and Zumba Toning today.
Kickboxing was intense! Like I used to do kick boxing when I was a teenager from the same place I did martial arts, and I thought it would be about the same pace.
I was wrong.
Like so wrong.
It was going so fast. My goal for the majority of the class was to not die.
And the teacher was intense. Like comes around with a punching mit thing, and has you hit it, then kneels in front of you while you're kicking so your kicks get higher.
I'm exhausted.
Then, for the second hour: Zumba toning. Zumba + Weights. Yeah. Intense.

On a side note, I'm back to being my vegetarian self that only eats fish. I found the meatless meat products that I used to eat, and now that I'm getting protein from those I feel way better. Oh, also, I probably feel way better because I've been working out for a week now! Woo! Look at me go!

Blah blah blah.

Have you noticed how everyone, everywhere says that?
Blah blah blah.
In order to finish a sentence, people say blah blah blah. To finish explaining. Blah blah blah.
I notice it more because a 5 year old says it to me. . .a lot.
Then I notice my Dad back in Utah saying it.
Then I notice them using it on 30 Rock.
Then I notice it from my teachers at the annoyance and at the second city.
I just notice it everywhere. I even notice I say it. But blah blah blah is such a beautiful filler. It's perfect. It's easy to say, few people notice it. It can mean so many different things.

I took a before picture. Because I want to see the progress I make with this working out.
I need to get in shape. I want to be hot. ter. Like I feel like I've been living this horrible lie for a really long time.
Well, there is a couple of lies I was living.
I felt really super old in Utah. Like I was way too old to get married. I had become an old maid.
And then I was trapped in this mindset that I was too old to go anywhere or do anything exciting or adventurous.
Thank goodness I broke out of that. Because now that I live in Chicago, I feel like a baby. Which feels WEIRD after feeling like you were old for so long. But I like feeling young. It's great! I get to be stupid, and blame it on my age. That's pretty cool.

Also, the other lie I was living was that I am not attractive. . . mostly I would blame it on my breasts. . .
I mean I've had male friends in the past tell me straight out that my breasts are unattractive. And I took what they said to be the view of all men everywhere. Which is weird. And stupid. And what's weirder, is I wasn't smart enough at the time to realize that they were full of bullshit, or to even call them out on their bullshit.

It don't know it's weird that you let people treat you the way you see yourself. And I feel like I see myself in a different light now. So that's fantastic.
And in a few weeks, I will see a little less of myself.

After Sushi

So, I just finished my sushi extravaganza.
And I want to tell you about it.
I invited some people, but they couldn't go, and I was bummed, and then I decided instead of feeling ultra awkward on a friday night going by myself to get sushi, I'll order take out.

So I was walking to pick up the take out. And I walked past my neighbor, Stephanie's house, and I thought "I should call her" And so I did. And she was just getting off work. And by the time it took me to walk to the sushi place and back, she just got back to her place. And we sat and ate sushi together. And I met a lot of her roommates. Which was cool. Even this roommate who wasn't really a roommate. He just lived there, but didn't pay rent.
It was fun. They have a lot of random shit all over their apartment. It's like this ultra hippy loft of sorts. Like there was a penguin on the air conditioning duct, and air planes hanging around. Lego that had been built, eyes in a tree. Yeah. It's a pretty cool place. I don't know if I could ever live there, because the walls separating the rooms don't go all the way up...so that's awkward...

But it was fun. And I'm glad Stephanie and I ate sushi together.
Also, there was a magnet on the fridge that said "Jesus is Coming, look busy" And somehow, it ended up in my bra. I probably put it there. But now it's mine.

So last night as a disaster of sorts...

As far as sleep was concerned, I got like an hour. If I'm lucky, and that's including the time I snoozed through my alarm. So, yeah, disaster.
And that's because I had an anxiety attack so bad last night, I just sobbed and sobbed for hours. I would stop crying, just to start it up again. Which sucks. But like, I survived the night. So that's good?
I tried calling my family. And I know that I probably stressed them out as much as it stressed me out, because I called sobbing. And really, when I call someone crying, I just need to be distracted. I need to talk about why I'm having anxiety for like 2 minutes tops, then I need to be distracted.
I was talking to Melissa, the lady I work for and she told me that I need to enlist a friend I can call at night when/if this happens again to just say "Distract me, I need you for like ten minutes" But, I don't like to bother people at 2 in the morning when I can't breathe I'm having so much anxiety. It's hard enough to do that to my family members. ..
But when it comes down to it, having one anxiety attack this bad for the first time in a long time is great. Like, that means there has been improvement with my anxiety, right? I mean, I feel like I can manage my life better. So that's also fantastic. Oh, also, it's been 2 years since I've been off anxiety meds! Look at me go! :D

Today at work, kids were really good. They took nice long naps while I sat brainlessly and watched Kitchen Nightmares on BBC America.
Then after work, I just napped. I slept more when I napped than I did when I slept last night. I HATE that. I was even offered to get a little extra dough by watching the neighbors kids, which on any other day would have been so awesome. But I couldn't do it. I just knew I wouldn't have the energy for it.
But I pulled myself out of bed and I went to Zumba, which is good. My muscles hurt today. Like everything in my legs and lower abs really hurt. It was a challenge. But, really fun. I need to keep going because I feel really good when I dance around like a fool.

I just finished showering, and I made the mistake of putting yoga pants on... like the really comfy ones that are a size to big for me now... and now I don't want to put jeans on and have to go outside in the rain. I love the rain, especially coming from a desert but it's chilly. I'm kinda hungry, and my mini fridge has got juice in it... Which is good, but I'm craving sushi.
Side note, I've written sushi several times tonight, and each time, I write sushit, then have to delete the t.
Well whatever, I'm just going to go and do it. I'm going to get sushi by myself again. Because, who do I know in this city? No one. That's not true. I mean, I know people, but it's just tough to organize hanging out with people. . . especially since I don't know anyone that well. . . and I'm shy. Whether people believe me or not on that one it's their own choice, but I am a shy person.
I'm out going to go get me some sushi now.

And now it's midnight.

Has it ever felt too quiet to fall asleep?
It's so quiet tonight. Like, I'm not even noticing the trains going by.
I shut my laptop and put it away. But I've been laying in bed for like an hour and a half.
And I'm tired.
I almost feel an anxiety attack coming on. What the hell, right?

The thing is, tonight, I don't even know where my mind is.
It's like this weird silence even in my mind.
So maybe there are noises all around me, but I just can't hear them because my mind is silent.

Is that even possible? For your mind to be silent, usually there are thousands of things zipping in and out of my head that it's hard for me to stay focused.

I don't know. I'm going to try for round two for some sleep tonight. Wish me luck.

This is exciting!

I joined this dance studio the around the corner from, and I totally love it.
I've only been to two classes, but they are so fun and different. Yesterday I went to Capoeiro, and today I went to bollywood beats.
WAY FUN!
And because I'm so scared of dancing, and actually moving my body around, I thought this would be a good way to break out of that.
I'm really excited.
I've got Zumba tomorrow and Zumba on Saturday. I can't decided what I want to do Sunday, I'm thinking about trying out PiYo, to see what it's like. I'm really super excited about this!

Also, I went for a walk after class. It's a beautiful night tonight. But I really feel like I worked through a lot of anger that I was holding in. I thought it would be good to work through this anger instead of letting it slowly build inside then one day, burst into tears while grocery shopping because I am so angry... not like that's every happened before...

Oh! So I've got a story that I haven't written down yet, but I tell it to people to see their reactions. And it seems to be a universal touching story. Like people start to tear up and cry when I tell this story. It's a great story. But now I'm not going to tell it. Sorry for the build up, then the let down. Speaking of build up and let down...
Like 5 people have said to me within this week "But don't tell anyone..."
I want to tell the WORLD when people say that to me.
And some of the things are pretty mondain, so it will be like I would be announcing my grocery list to the world. No one would care... but if you tag on the don't tell anyone, I won't tell, just know that I WANT TO.

Also, I finally achieved my goal from writing weird shit of facebook.
I was talking to my dad and he told me he strongly considered unfriending me on facebook because of the status I put the other day. (In the status I used a metaphor that I thought was really funny... and it involved a penis and a vagina...)But now, I think I'll back off with all the weird stuff on facebook for a while.

Also, I bought a little journal. I take it everywhere with me. And I draw little funny pictures, or write random thoughts in it. It's fantastic.

Also, I just started another paragraph with the word also.
I'm done for tonight.
But I want to chat on the phone with someone and make jokes for like hours, but I doesn't look like I can get a hold of anyone that wants to talk to me tonight.
So I'm just blogging instead.

A new emotion decided to come up and hang out for a while.

I don't really know what emotion I am feeling. It's like, sadness. Plus regret. Plus anger. Plus remorse.

Let me tell you about it.

I had a best friend once.
And we were really good friends. We spent a lot of time together. I could be me around this person. And I didn't feel weird about it.
We stayed friends as I went away to college.
We talked on the phone for some time. We even hung out a time or two when I went home to visit.

This friend invited me to the wedding.
The wedding fell on a very weird day. 1. It was a week day and 2. the very next day would have been my very first time preforming on stage with a comedy group.
If I attended that wedding, I couldn't drive back down to where I live in time for my show. And plus, that fell on the night of the wedding, was mandatory. I think. Someone told me that at least. Anyway.
I missed the wedding.
It killed me to do so.
I tried still to stay in contact.
I called and left a voice mail.
I sent a text message.
I wrote to a message on facebook.
But I discovered that this person probably outgrew me.
And I don't want to let this person go. Because this person was so good to me.

And this person is still a facebook friend.
And it kills me that it doesn't seem like this person even will acknowledge my existence anymore.

It really hurts somewhere so deep inside of me to see the updates on facebook. Like this person has a fantastic life and I'm happy they are having such a great life. But any comments I make will be ignored.
I almost want to "hide" the person so I won't see the updates anymore. But when I do that, I feel like I'm really admitting the friendship is over.
I can't remove this person as a friend either...
But it means I've given up our friendship.
And I really don't want to give up on it. Because I know I did something wrong here, And I haven't figured it out and I feel like I need to know what it is before I can say ok. I'm ok with not being your friend anymore.

My KNEE!

I went to see improvised shakespeare tonight.
It was awesome. It was actually WAY better then the last time I saw it after I moved here. So that was good.
But I checked my train tracker, and I saw that there was a train coming in 4 minutes after the show. So I power walked there, because I didn't want to wait 19 minutes for the next one. Then I got to the station and I heard the train coming in and i couldn't get my plus pass to work and I was really annoyed, and then when I walked through the little gate thing, I banged my knee somehow on it.
I curse and ran/limped up the stairs. Luckily someone was taking their time getting off the train. So I could hop on. But dammit! My knee hurts! I've got a nice sized bruise on it. So that sucks because I'm assuming I'm going to be doing a lot of moving around tomorrow because I have 2 classes tomorrow. 1 at the annoyance, and one at the neo futarakfdutmdf. I can't spell.
Did I mention I need a dictionary so I can look up how to spell words again?

I'm listening to a cold play song... and I like it, except it says "I will try to fix you" and I hate that. I hate that people get in relationships to try and fix/control the other person. Ugh.

I'm restless tonight.
Not so much tired as restless. I got in at about 1. Then I laid down. Realized how tired I wasn't. Showered. Dried my hair. Listened to music. And now I'm blogging. I'm not so anxious tonight like I was last night.
But I'm thinking about doing my nails.
I think it'd be my luck to do my nails then fall asleep with them wet...
Yeah, I'm not doing my nails tonight.
Anyway.


Did I tell you that I am really happy?
Just in general.
I'm so much happier getting shit on and thrown up on, and having my clothes ruined during the day than I was when I worked at a treatment center and being shit upon figuratively. And I still got my clothes ruined there. With bleach. I remember that day, because I cried. It's one of the two days, where I literally had to say to my co workers "I can't handle these shit heads right now. I am going to take a break." And I would go take a break in the staff office where there was no longer a couch for the staff because Marty through it away.... because the staff didn't deserve it anymore? I don't know. That was dumb. You know what else was dumb? That the Dean of Student Life got gifts from parents all the time. And I couldn't take a thank you card from a parent without fear of losing my job.
I'm just throwing that out there. That was stupid. And she talked about the things that she got as thank you gifts sometimes. And that was dumb.

But I'm out of that hell hole. I am free. Like so many of the students I knew. When they were out that goodness! There is a light on the other side of the tunnel.


I just walked upstairs to fill up my water bottle. . . my knee hurts. It better heal. . . quick.

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

It might help you if you read this blog at an accelerated rate and picture me pacing back and forth. Because I've been speaking at an accelerated rate and doing a lot of pacing.

I put myself in a situation that I'm a little annoyed at myself for letting myself put me there.
What the fuck did I just say?
But really.
I want one thing. Like a lot. And it will take a long time to eventually get.
But then I want this other thing a lot too. Like it's great. But, and it doesn't take a long time to get. But then I'm scared because I'm me, I'll burn bridges with people and I won't be able to obtain the first thing that I wanted more.
Whoa.
I'm being vague out of respect for people involved. And to not make me look like an incredibly awful person. And maybe everyone I know just isn't ready for me to tell them exactly what I'm talking about because it will surprise them and maybe they'll think differently of me.
What the hell do I care about what people think about me. Fuck them. But really, I want you to love me, so no fuck you.

There has been a lot of cursing under my breath. I don't know what the right choice to make in this situation, but I made one. And now I want to go back and undo it. And be like, just kidding, this would be awesome, but then I'm again worried that I would turn around and say no it's awesome to change my mind again.
AGH!
FUCK!
SHIT fuck shit shit shit shit shit shit!
Whatever, my choice is made and I can't really do anything about it now. I don't have a time machine or anything.


I think I was becoming an asshole of vegetarian. And I never wanted to be that kind of vegetarian. You know the kind that have to announce everywhere they go that they're vegetarian. And they always make a big deal of it, and they look down on other people for eating meat.
I'm not saying I was going that far, but I definitely could see myself getting there. So I decided to eat turkey. and chicken. I've been eating fish for over a year now so I'm a fake veggie anyway.
But chicken and and turkey are greasier than I remember. Like it wasn't fried or anything, it was baked. But it just seemed more oily than I remember.
Today is the first time in a long time that I've eaten 2 different types of meat in one day.
Ah! Fuck me! I started thinking about that choice I made today. Oh well, back to what I was talking about.
I ate a very small amount of chicken today during lunch and then I had sushi for dinner. And it was good.
I watched this girl and this guy flirt throughout their date. She was SO into him. Like she was playing with her hair a little at first, then she exposed her neck. That's a thing women do, we show off our necks to a person we're into.
You know the move where you push your hair back and then you caress your neck with your finger, starting up by the jaw line and slowly moving down. It's almost like you're pointing out your neck. Because, well you are.
Anyway, this girl she laughed a little bit extra when he was talking, and was leaning in close. The totally did each other tonight.
I didn't get as clear read on the mans body language because his back was to me. They were the most interesting people to watch tonight.

Also, I need to invest into a regular dictionary. Like one I can hold in my hands to look shit up. Because I have tried to use like 12 words to describe something somehow. And I couldn't think of how to spell it, and dictionary.com is no good, because I try to sound out the words that I'm trying to spell and it apparently didn't grow up on hooked on phonics. I didn't really grow up on that. But in the fourth grade, Mr. Peacheco had me pulled out to re-evaluate my reading skills. I couldn't read out loud in front of people. I was such a weaselly little kid. I couldn't get over my fear of large groups of people. And it was pretty clear by 4th grade that we were staying in utah. There was no more moving around. And I was the WEIRDO from Ohio. . . From Springfield, Ohio no less. Guess what everyone asked me when I was little "Is that where the Simpson's are from" NO IT'S NOT, AND GO FUCK YOURSELF FOR ASKING SUCH A RIDICULOUS QUESTION BECAUSE THE SIMPSON'S AREN'T REAL, MORON! THEY ARE ANIMATED! THEY CAN'T BE REAL
That's what I wish my response was when I was little. But whatever.

My parents sent me flowers today.
They are loverly.
To show another reason that I'm a weird and awkward the man delivering the flowers was like "For Lizzy" And I just kind of stood there. Trying to figure out what I ordered. Then I said "I didn't order anything." And he just kind of held the box out to me. And I felt more dumb, then I saw it was from Pro Flowers. And I said "Oh" And took them.
They are lovely.

I'm done for today. I'm going to sleep.

Yeah, I am a bitch. Get used to it.

I get really sick of people posing the question "Why do bad things happen to good people?"
Maybe, just maybe, it's because you're not really a good person. No. Really. YOU are not a good person. Think about all the times you get annoyed while driving and you flipped someone else off. Think about all the times you made fun of someone because they were different. You say you were teasing, but really, you say that so you won't feel like the asshole you are.

You're not a good person. And you have the stupidity to say that you're a good person, shut up and go fuck yourself.
Seriously.
I'm not joking around today.
You're not a good person.
No one is. Well. Maybe Gandhi. But you need to shut your face!
Really, you can't sit there and say that life is horrible when you are the one to get yourself in these situations. Yeah. You did it to yourself. Look at the choices you made.
Sucks doesn't?
If you really don't like the way things are in your life you've got some options:
1. Change your life. It's actually that simple. Take control. Change it.
2. Bitch and moan about it until the day you die of cancer probably.
3. Suicide.

If I could choose for you, I'd choose one or three. But, I've only got control over my life. Too bad for me. I can't make anyone kill themselves.

Bad things happen to people because we're people.
STOP BITCHING.