A new emotion decided to come up and hang out for a while.

I don't really know what emotion I am feeling. It's like, sadness. Plus regret. Plus anger. Plus remorse.

Let me tell you about it.

I had a best friend once.
And we were really good friends. We spent a lot of time together. I could be me around this person. And I didn't feel weird about it.
We stayed friends as I went away to college.
We talked on the phone for some time. We even hung out a time or two when I went home to visit.

This friend invited me to the wedding.
The wedding fell on a very weird day. 1. It was a week day and 2. the very next day would have been my very first time preforming on stage with a comedy group.
If I attended that wedding, I couldn't drive back down to where I live in time for my show. And plus, that fell on the night of the wedding, was mandatory. I think. Someone told me that at least. Anyway.
I missed the wedding.
It killed me to do so.
I tried still to stay in contact.
I called and left a voice mail.
I sent a text message.
I wrote to a message on facebook.
But I discovered that this person probably outgrew me.
And I don't want to let this person go. Because this person was so good to me.

And this person is still a facebook friend.
And it kills me that it doesn't seem like this person even will acknowledge my existence anymore.

It really hurts somewhere so deep inside of me to see the updates on facebook. Like this person has a fantastic life and I'm happy they are having such a great life. But any comments I make will be ignored.
I almost want to "hide" the person so I won't see the updates anymore. But when I do that, I feel like I'm really admitting the friendship is over.
I can't remove this person as a friend either...
But it means I've given up our friendship.
And I really don't want to give up on it. Because I know I did something wrong here, And I haven't figured it out and I feel like I need to know what it is before I can say ok. I'm ok with not being your friend anymore.