I probably would have shot myself in the foot.

I did kickboxing tonight with Kareem.
Whoa.
Like. . .
Whoa.
I don't know if I've personally ever pushed myself so hard during a workout. It was tough. And Kareem is INTENSE. If you try to leave, he will stop you, and block the doors, and not let you leave. He's the kind of teacher that comes over and yells at you to do better. And has you punch or kick his hands. Or will turn off the music (That he's sped up to 180 beat a minute) and call your bluff. It's a little scary.

There was a point halfway through class where I thought if someone walked in here, and handed me a gun and said "You can either shoot yourself finish class right now, or shoot yourself in the foot." I would have shot myself in the foot.
But I didn't. Well, duh. That wasn't a real option for me. It's just something I thought of. But, I stuck with it, and pushed myself past the point where I thought I could do no more, and then did more!
THEN I stuck around for Zumba.
Man. I'm proud of myself because I made it!

I hate spring time.

I don't really care for spring time. It's like the biggest tease of a season. Especially early spring, It's like, I'm going to entice you with nice warm 60 degree days where you can go outside with a light jacket! Then tomorrow morning, you'll wake up and I'll be a cold angry bitch again!
Blah. I just need some warmer weather so that I won't want to stay in and hibernate all day long.

Um.
The short I did went over well.
It got a good amount of laughs. No one has told me they hated it. So that's good. If you click here it will take you straight to the video. If you missed that. It's right here. Just click it anywhere in the last two sentences and you will go there. Do you understand how a link works?
I'm sorry I'm being rude.
I hope you enjoy the video.

I'm grumpy.
I actually like winter way more than spring. You know what you're going to get in winter. Dark, cold, snow. Predictable.

I lied, the other day. It was on Monday.
When it would have been so easy to tell the truth.
Here's what happened. I've had a lot on my mind. And it's stressing me out.
And I wear my emotions on my sleeve.
I walked into a room. Two people are in there. I know one person, I don't know the other. The person I know asks me if I was okay, or something along those lines, because I was not feeling ok. And it was apparent.
I could have just told the truth, and said "No. I'm just having a rough time. But I'll be ok." And shrugged or something.
But I actually said "No, yeah. I'm fine. I just walked here." Which that doesn't even make sense. And then I gave him money.
This situation seems really weird when I just show a snip it of it here.

Whatever. I'm just sad. And having a rough time. But I don't have grown up friends in Chicago. Thanks for that being pointed out to me and rubbed in my face all week long last week.

I hate spring time.

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!

Ok. I got my film recoded, edited, and converted over to a .mov file successfully!
That means my short for the suggestion Slinky is all finished and ready to go! How exciting!
I'm super excited, I am going to take a break from it, sleep, then go to work, review it tomorrow, to make sure I spelled everything right, and send it off!

I'm so excited! I can't wait for Tuesday!
(Actually I'm really nervous for Tuesday because I will find out if it's really funny or not.)
Ok. Ok. Ok. okokokokokokok!
Agh.
I should just go to sleep right now so that I don't have to think about this. But guess what I'll be thinking about until Tuesday? Just this.

I tried yoga again today.

I almost didn't make it to class.
My phone didn't update (Thanks Verizon Wireless) And I didn't wake up on time. So I skipped breakfast, and power walked there.

I was hesitant to go there, because last time I got a little tearful. And then I left the class hating myself way more than when I entered.
And in turn, Friday night was a rotten rotten night. Well, it wasn't too bad because I went to this sushi place close by, not because the sushi is that good, but because the people there are nice. So I did that.

But class today was much much better. I was more calm. I was less I hate my body because my boobs are too big. I felt like I was working with myself more than last time. So that was good.

So I don't hate yoga as much as I did on friday.

Things

These are things I want right now, but I need to balance my money in some way so I can get them all.
1. A plane ticket to Utah.
2. A tattoo
3. More improv/acting/clowning/stand up classes
4. A bike
5. A new camera (as of today because mine no longer turns on. and the battery is charged.)
6. New bras. Like at least 3. And I would like at least one to be a "cute" bra. Because I seem to only have "sexy" bras.

Yeah. All of those things cost a lot of money.
I'm trying to get things in balance so I can get all of those things.

I was holding my shit together UNTIL

Someone showed they cared about me.
Then I broke down.

I don't necessarily like to cry in public. Like sometimes it just happens where I'm sad, and I need have a good old fashioned cry and I happen to be in a public space so I cry. And most people are scared to see a person cry, so they leave me alone which is awesome. But when I'm at some random diner and I'm eating my dinner all by myself, and then Allen sends me the most simple of texts that shows he's greatful for my friendship, and that he still cares about me. . . and I completely breakdown in tears.

I was facing away from most everyone in the diner, which is unusual for me because I typically like to face people, and watch them interact. So the only person that could really see me was my server. So I started to cry. Then my server walked by. I'm just crying. She seems like a caring person and so she stopped and without saying anything verbally, she asked me what was wrong. I can't explain to her why I was crying I just was. And it wasn't that I was crying so hard that I couldn't talk or breathe. But if told her why I was crying, it'd would make me want to cry some more. So, I just kind of nodded in a way to answer her question

I just miss some really great people in my life.
And it sucks too because I know that I can't be with all of those people in Utah and be happy. I am happy in Chicago. I just miss good people that care.
And I'm not saying that no body here cares about me. It's just that here, no one really knows me yet.

Yoga.

Some days. I hate yoga so much, and I don't know why I put myself through the hell of going to an awful class where I get reminded of how fucking HUGE my tits are and how I can't do some poses because my breasts are in the way!
Then moving in and out of poses sucks too because my back hurts so bad, because I've got these massive punching bags on my chest! They are ridiculous.
I'm ridiculous.
I'm super angry/sad right now and I can't figure out why, because I thought yoga was supposed to be this beautiful calming thing. But it's not for me. It makes me so upset I don't know what to do with myself!

champagne is sparkling wine.

It is. And I'm right about it.
I got in this argument about it today with my best friend. He said "I had my first glass of wine the other day" and I said "No you had champagne at Sammy's wedding!" "Champagne isn't wine." "Yes it is!" And then a really heated argument followed. But guess who was right in the end. Me.
But then I stopped to realize how ridiculous I am, because I was arguing over whether or not something was wine! Yeah. That really happened today. It was really stupid on my part, like I know I should have dropped it. But I didn't. But I know that we're still friends. AND he's coming out to visit me in less than a week and I'm super excited to see someone from Utah! I'm a little surprised it's him, because he kept saying he'd come down to visit me when I lived 4 hours away, and did that twice the whole time I lived there, but yay! A friend that knows me on deep awkward social levels!
I can't wait.

Introvert

About a week or so ago, I had a friend on facebook post this article about Caring for Your Introvert, by Jonathan Rauch.
The whole article is awesome. You should check it out.
I'm going to quote the introduction here, because for some weird reason, his first paragraph is me. He describes me. And it freaks me out.

Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?
-Jonathan Rauch

As soon as I read this article, I posted it on Matt's page and I told him he needs to be nice to me. And part of being nice to me, Matthew, means don't bring up my awkward dragonfly story again. Please, and thank you.

It's weird, because I remember talking to my roommates this summer while I was really frustrated with life and I said something along the lines of "I'm an introvert that is being forced to do extroverted things and I don't like it!"

I always felt like it's a bad thing to be an introvert. Like, the way all my psychology text books made it sound was that it's almost like I have some kind of disease. But in general, I freaking hate psychology text books. HATE them. Maybe a good thing I dropped out of school? But as I was reading this, and realizing that those stupid tests that always scored me as more of an introvert than extrovert are probably right.

And on a side note, I got both the girls napping today, at the same time. Thank goodness. I get off work in an hour, and I'm so looking forward to napping, then doing Zumba, then Kickboxing then sleep!

Cardio Kickboxing + Zumba Toning!

Yeah. I totally did Cardio Kickboxing and Zumba Toning today.
Kickboxing was intense! Like I used to do kick boxing when I was a teenager from the same place I did martial arts, and I thought it would be about the same pace.
I was wrong.
Like so wrong.
It was going so fast. My goal for the majority of the class was to not die.
And the teacher was intense. Like comes around with a punching mit thing, and has you hit it, then kneels in front of you while you're kicking so your kicks get higher.
I'm exhausted.
Then, for the second hour: Zumba toning. Zumba + Weights. Yeah. Intense.

On a side note, I'm back to being my vegetarian self that only eats fish. I found the meatless meat products that I used to eat, and now that I'm getting protein from those I feel way better. Oh, also, I probably feel way better because I've been working out for a week now! Woo! Look at me go!

Blah blah blah.

Have you noticed how everyone, everywhere says that?
Blah blah blah.
In order to finish a sentence, people say blah blah blah. To finish explaining. Blah blah blah.
I notice it more because a 5 year old says it to me. . .a lot.
Then I notice my Dad back in Utah saying it.
Then I notice them using it on 30 Rock.
Then I notice it from my teachers at the annoyance and at the second city.
I just notice it everywhere. I even notice I say it. But blah blah blah is such a beautiful filler. It's perfect. It's easy to say, few people notice it. It can mean so many different things.

I took a before picture. Because I want to see the progress I make with this working out.
I need to get in shape. I want to be hot. ter. Like I feel like I've been living this horrible lie for a really long time.
Well, there is a couple of lies I was living.
I felt really super old in Utah. Like I was way too old to get married. I had become an old maid.
And then I was trapped in this mindset that I was too old to go anywhere or do anything exciting or adventurous.
Thank goodness I broke out of that. Because now that I live in Chicago, I feel like a baby. Which feels WEIRD after feeling like you were old for so long. But I like feeling young. It's great! I get to be stupid, and blame it on my age. That's pretty cool.

Also, the other lie I was living was that I am not attractive. . . mostly I would blame it on my breasts. . .
I mean I've had male friends in the past tell me straight out that my breasts are unattractive. And I took what they said to be the view of all men everywhere. Which is weird. And stupid. And what's weirder, is I wasn't smart enough at the time to realize that they were full of bullshit, or to even call them out on their bullshit.

It don't know it's weird that you let people treat you the way you see yourself. And I feel like I see myself in a different light now. So that's fantastic.
And in a few weeks, I will see a little less of myself.

After Sushi

So, I just finished my sushi extravaganza.
And I want to tell you about it.
I invited some people, but they couldn't go, and I was bummed, and then I decided instead of feeling ultra awkward on a friday night going by myself to get sushi, I'll order take out.

So I was walking to pick up the take out. And I walked past my neighbor, Stephanie's house, and I thought "I should call her" And so I did. And she was just getting off work. And by the time it took me to walk to the sushi place and back, she just got back to her place. And we sat and ate sushi together. And I met a lot of her roommates. Which was cool. Even this roommate who wasn't really a roommate. He just lived there, but didn't pay rent.
It was fun. They have a lot of random shit all over their apartment. It's like this ultra hippy loft of sorts. Like there was a penguin on the air conditioning duct, and air planes hanging around. Lego that had been built, eyes in a tree. Yeah. It's a pretty cool place. I don't know if I could ever live there, because the walls separating the rooms don't go all the way up...so that's awkward...

But it was fun. And I'm glad Stephanie and I ate sushi together.
Also, there was a magnet on the fridge that said "Jesus is Coming, look busy" And somehow, it ended up in my bra. I probably put it there. But now it's mine.

So last night as a disaster of sorts...

As far as sleep was concerned, I got like an hour. If I'm lucky, and that's including the time I snoozed through my alarm. So, yeah, disaster.
And that's because I had an anxiety attack so bad last night, I just sobbed and sobbed for hours. I would stop crying, just to start it up again. Which sucks. But like, I survived the night. So that's good?
I tried calling my family. And I know that I probably stressed them out as much as it stressed me out, because I called sobbing. And really, when I call someone crying, I just need to be distracted. I need to talk about why I'm having anxiety for like 2 minutes tops, then I need to be distracted.
I was talking to Melissa, the lady I work for and she told me that I need to enlist a friend I can call at night when/if this happens again to just say "Distract me, I need you for like ten minutes" But, I don't like to bother people at 2 in the morning when I can't breathe I'm having so much anxiety. It's hard enough to do that to my family members. ..
But when it comes down to it, having one anxiety attack this bad for the first time in a long time is great. Like, that means there has been improvement with my anxiety, right? I mean, I feel like I can manage my life better. So that's also fantastic. Oh, also, it's been 2 years since I've been off anxiety meds! Look at me go! :D

Today at work, kids were really good. They took nice long naps while I sat brainlessly and watched Kitchen Nightmares on BBC America.
Then after work, I just napped. I slept more when I napped than I did when I slept last night. I HATE that. I was even offered to get a little extra dough by watching the neighbors kids, which on any other day would have been so awesome. But I couldn't do it. I just knew I wouldn't have the energy for it.
But I pulled myself out of bed and I went to Zumba, which is good. My muscles hurt today. Like everything in my legs and lower abs really hurt. It was a challenge. But, really fun. I need to keep going because I feel really good when I dance around like a fool.

I just finished showering, and I made the mistake of putting yoga pants on... like the really comfy ones that are a size to big for me now... and now I don't want to put jeans on and have to go outside in the rain. I love the rain, especially coming from a desert but it's chilly. I'm kinda hungry, and my mini fridge has got juice in it... Which is good, but I'm craving sushi.
Side note, I've written sushi several times tonight, and each time, I write sushit, then have to delete the t.
Well whatever, I'm just going to go and do it. I'm going to get sushi by myself again. Because, who do I know in this city? No one. That's not true. I mean, I know people, but it's just tough to organize hanging out with people. . . especially since I don't know anyone that well. . . and I'm shy. Whether people believe me or not on that one it's their own choice, but I am a shy person.
I'm out going to go get me some sushi now.

And now it's midnight.

Has it ever felt too quiet to fall asleep?
It's so quiet tonight. Like, I'm not even noticing the trains going by.
I shut my laptop and put it away. But I've been laying in bed for like an hour and a half.
And I'm tired.
I almost feel an anxiety attack coming on. What the hell, right?

The thing is, tonight, I don't even know where my mind is.
It's like this weird silence even in my mind.
So maybe there are noises all around me, but I just can't hear them because my mind is silent.

Is that even possible? For your mind to be silent, usually there are thousands of things zipping in and out of my head that it's hard for me to stay focused.

I don't know. I'm going to try for round two for some sleep tonight. Wish me luck.

This is exciting!

I joined this dance studio the around the corner from, and I totally love it.
I've only been to two classes, but they are so fun and different. Yesterday I went to Capoeiro, and today I went to bollywood beats.
WAY FUN!
And because I'm so scared of dancing, and actually moving my body around, I thought this would be a good way to break out of that.
I'm really excited.
I've got Zumba tomorrow and Zumba on Saturday. I can't decided what I want to do Sunday, I'm thinking about trying out PiYo, to see what it's like. I'm really super excited about this!

Also, I went for a walk after class. It's a beautiful night tonight. But I really feel like I worked through a lot of anger that I was holding in. I thought it would be good to work through this anger instead of letting it slowly build inside then one day, burst into tears while grocery shopping because I am so angry... not like that's every happened before...

Oh! So I've got a story that I haven't written down yet, but I tell it to people to see their reactions. And it seems to be a universal touching story. Like people start to tear up and cry when I tell this story. It's a great story. But now I'm not going to tell it. Sorry for the build up, then the let down. Speaking of build up and let down...
Like 5 people have said to me within this week "But don't tell anyone..."
I want to tell the WORLD when people say that to me.
And some of the things are pretty mondain, so it will be like I would be announcing my grocery list to the world. No one would care... but if you tag on the don't tell anyone, I won't tell, just know that I WANT TO.

Also, I finally achieved my goal from writing weird shit of facebook.
I was talking to my dad and he told me he strongly considered unfriending me on facebook because of the status I put the other day. (In the status I used a metaphor that I thought was really funny... and it involved a penis and a vagina...)But now, I think I'll back off with all the weird stuff on facebook for a while.

Also, I bought a little journal. I take it everywhere with me. And I draw little funny pictures, or write random thoughts in it. It's fantastic.

Also, I just started another paragraph with the word also.
I'm done for tonight.
But I want to chat on the phone with someone and make jokes for like hours, but I doesn't look like I can get a hold of anyone that wants to talk to me tonight.
So I'm just blogging instead.