A new emotion decided to come up and hang out for a while.

I don't really know what emotion I am feeling. It's like, sadness. Plus regret. Plus anger. Plus remorse.

Let me tell you about it.

I had a best friend once.
And we were really good friends. We spent a lot of time together. I could be me around this person. And I didn't feel weird about it.
We stayed friends as I went away to college.
We talked on the phone for some time. We even hung out a time or two when I went home to visit.

This friend invited me to the wedding.
The wedding fell on a very weird day. 1. It was a week day and 2. the very next day would have been my very first time preforming on stage with a comedy group.
If I attended that wedding, I couldn't drive back down to where I live in time for my show. And plus, that fell on the night of the wedding, was mandatory. I think. Someone told me that at least. Anyway.
I missed the wedding.
It killed me to do so.
I tried still to stay in contact.
I called and left a voice mail.
I sent a text message.
I wrote to a message on facebook.
But I discovered that this person probably outgrew me.
And I don't want to let this person go. Because this person was so good to me.

And this person is still a facebook friend.
And it kills me that it doesn't seem like this person even will acknowledge my existence anymore.

It really hurts somewhere so deep inside of me to see the updates on facebook. Like this person has a fantastic life and I'm happy they are having such a great life. But any comments I make will be ignored.
I almost want to "hide" the person so I won't see the updates anymore. But when I do that, I feel like I'm really admitting the friendship is over.
I can't remove this person as a friend either...
But it means I've given up our friendship.
And I really don't want to give up on it. Because I know I did something wrong here, And I haven't figured it out and I feel like I need to know what it is before I can say ok. I'm ok with not being your friend anymore.

My KNEE!

I went to see improvised shakespeare tonight.
It was awesome. It was actually WAY better then the last time I saw it after I moved here. So that was good.
But I checked my train tracker, and I saw that there was a train coming in 4 minutes after the show. So I power walked there, because I didn't want to wait 19 minutes for the next one. Then I got to the station and I heard the train coming in and i couldn't get my plus pass to work and I was really annoyed, and then when I walked through the little gate thing, I banged my knee somehow on it.
I curse and ran/limped up the stairs. Luckily someone was taking their time getting off the train. So I could hop on. But dammit! My knee hurts! I've got a nice sized bruise on it. So that sucks because I'm assuming I'm going to be doing a lot of moving around tomorrow because I have 2 classes tomorrow. 1 at the annoyance, and one at the neo futarakfdutmdf. I can't spell.
Did I mention I need a dictionary so I can look up how to spell words again?

I'm listening to a cold play song... and I like it, except it says "I will try to fix you" and I hate that. I hate that people get in relationships to try and fix/control the other person. Ugh.

I'm restless tonight.
Not so much tired as restless. I got in at about 1. Then I laid down. Realized how tired I wasn't. Showered. Dried my hair. Listened to music. And now I'm blogging. I'm not so anxious tonight like I was last night.
But I'm thinking about doing my nails.
I think it'd be my luck to do my nails then fall asleep with them wet...
Yeah, I'm not doing my nails tonight.
Anyway.


Did I tell you that I am really happy?
Just in general.
I'm so much happier getting shit on and thrown up on, and having my clothes ruined during the day than I was when I worked at a treatment center and being shit upon figuratively. And I still got my clothes ruined there. With bleach. I remember that day, because I cried. It's one of the two days, where I literally had to say to my co workers "I can't handle these shit heads right now. I am going to take a break." And I would go take a break in the staff office where there was no longer a couch for the staff because Marty through it away.... because the staff didn't deserve it anymore? I don't know. That was dumb. You know what else was dumb? That the Dean of Student Life got gifts from parents all the time. And I couldn't take a thank you card from a parent without fear of losing my job.
I'm just throwing that out there. That was stupid. And she talked about the things that she got as thank you gifts sometimes. And that was dumb.

But I'm out of that hell hole. I am free. Like so many of the students I knew. When they were out that goodness! There is a light on the other side of the tunnel.


I just walked upstairs to fill up my water bottle. . . my knee hurts. It better heal. . . quick.

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

It might help you if you read this blog at an accelerated rate and picture me pacing back and forth. Because I've been speaking at an accelerated rate and doing a lot of pacing.

I put myself in a situation that I'm a little annoyed at myself for letting myself put me there.
What the fuck did I just say?
But really.
I want one thing. Like a lot. And it will take a long time to eventually get.
But then I want this other thing a lot too. Like it's great. But, and it doesn't take a long time to get. But then I'm scared because I'm me, I'll burn bridges with people and I won't be able to obtain the first thing that I wanted more.
Whoa.
I'm being vague out of respect for people involved. And to not make me look like an incredibly awful person. And maybe everyone I know just isn't ready for me to tell them exactly what I'm talking about because it will surprise them and maybe they'll think differently of me.
What the hell do I care about what people think about me. Fuck them. But really, I want you to love me, so no fuck you.

There has been a lot of cursing under my breath. I don't know what the right choice to make in this situation, but I made one. And now I want to go back and undo it. And be like, just kidding, this would be awesome, but then I'm again worried that I would turn around and say no it's awesome to change my mind again.
AGH!
FUCK!
SHIT fuck shit shit shit shit shit shit!
Whatever, my choice is made and I can't really do anything about it now. I don't have a time machine or anything.


I think I was becoming an asshole of vegetarian. And I never wanted to be that kind of vegetarian. You know the kind that have to announce everywhere they go that they're vegetarian. And they always make a big deal of it, and they look down on other people for eating meat.
I'm not saying I was going that far, but I definitely could see myself getting there. So I decided to eat turkey. and chicken. I've been eating fish for over a year now so I'm a fake veggie anyway.
But chicken and and turkey are greasier than I remember. Like it wasn't fried or anything, it was baked. But it just seemed more oily than I remember.
Today is the first time in a long time that I've eaten 2 different types of meat in one day.
Ah! Fuck me! I started thinking about that choice I made today. Oh well, back to what I was talking about.
I ate a very small amount of chicken today during lunch and then I had sushi for dinner. And it was good.
I watched this girl and this guy flirt throughout their date. She was SO into him. Like she was playing with her hair a little at first, then she exposed her neck. That's a thing women do, we show off our necks to a person we're into.
You know the move where you push your hair back and then you caress your neck with your finger, starting up by the jaw line and slowly moving down. It's almost like you're pointing out your neck. Because, well you are.
Anyway, this girl she laughed a little bit extra when he was talking, and was leaning in close. The totally did each other tonight.
I didn't get as clear read on the mans body language because his back was to me. They were the most interesting people to watch tonight.

Also, I need to invest into a regular dictionary. Like one I can hold in my hands to look shit up. Because I have tried to use like 12 words to describe something somehow. And I couldn't think of how to spell it, and dictionary.com is no good, because I try to sound out the words that I'm trying to spell and it apparently didn't grow up on hooked on phonics. I didn't really grow up on that. But in the fourth grade, Mr. Peacheco had me pulled out to re-evaluate my reading skills. I couldn't read out loud in front of people. I was such a weaselly little kid. I couldn't get over my fear of large groups of people. And it was pretty clear by 4th grade that we were staying in utah. There was no more moving around. And I was the WEIRDO from Ohio. . . From Springfield, Ohio no less. Guess what everyone asked me when I was little "Is that where the Simpson's are from" NO IT'S NOT, AND GO FUCK YOURSELF FOR ASKING SUCH A RIDICULOUS QUESTION BECAUSE THE SIMPSON'S AREN'T REAL, MORON! THEY ARE ANIMATED! THEY CAN'T BE REAL
That's what I wish my response was when I was little. But whatever.

My parents sent me flowers today.
They are loverly.
To show another reason that I'm a weird and awkward the man delivering the flowers was like "For Lizzy" And I just kind of stood there. Trying to figure out what I ordered. Then I said "I didn't order anything." And he just kind of held the box out to me. And I felt more dumb, then I saw it was from Pro Flowers. And I said "Oh" And took them.
They are lovely.

I'm done for today. I'm going to sleep.

Yeah, I am a bitch. Get used to it.

I get really sick of people posing the question "Why do bad things happen to good people?"
Maybe, just maybe, it's because you're not really a good person. No. Really. YOU are not a good person. Think about all the times you get annoyed while driving and you flipped someone else off. Think about all the times you made fun of someone because they were different. You say you were teasing, but really, you say that so you won't feel like the asshole you are.

You're not a good person. And you have the stupidity to say that you're a good person, shut up and go fuck yourself.
Seriously.
I'm not joking around today.
You're not a good person.
No one is. Well. Maybe Gandhi. But you need to shut your face!
Really, you can't sit there and say that life is horrible when you are the one to get yourself in these situations. Yeah. You did it to yourself. Look at the choices you made.
Sucks doesn't?
If you really don't like the way things are in your life you've got some options:
1. Change your life. It's actually that simple. Take control. Change it.
2. Bitch and moan about it until the day you die of cancer probably.
3. Suicide.

If I could choose for you, I'd choose one or three. But, I've only got control over my life. Too bad for me. I can't make anyone kill themselves.

Bad things happen to people because we're people.
STOP BITCHING.