A letter from a sister.

My younger sister Hannah and I wrote a song tonight.

The lyrics come from an actual letter that I wrote her this month.

Tonight, she started to play some chords, and I just started singing.

It turned out fun. It's short, but we had a good time putting it to music.

She is new to playing the guitar. I was impressed her ability to pick up a musical instrument and just start playing.

If there is a recording of it. It will go here.

Family Fun For Everyone!

I'm so excited to go up to Ogden tomorrow.

My sister Jessica asked if we could do something Friday night. I am very excited.
I can't wait to tell my family all my plans for Chicago.

It's going to be awesome.

I am really happy to see my family. They all seem equally excited to see me.

I can't wait. :)

I like talking to my roommates.

I could probably talk to them all day. We have long, interesting and intellectual conversations about anything that is important to us. It's fun to sit and laugh so hard at something ridiculous that one of said, and it's also fun to sit and talk about real issues that are going on in the world today, that maybe our actions can change.

2 hours ago, we all went to bed. I got up to go to the bathroom, and I saw Anna sitting at the table. I joined her, intending only to sit for a minute, but I sat for 2 hours. It's one of my favorite feelings in the world.

I still am a little confused about the fact that Anna and I will be parting ways probably just as quickly as we met.

It's weird to stop and think about the way people travel in and out of our lives. Some of them could make some profound differences, others the ruffle our feathers.

As a non sequitur, I really think hummingbirds are my favorite.

I see them all the time. Fluttering around in any direction they please, bringing a lot of joy with them which ever way they may go. I actually have been thinking about getting a hummingbird as a tattoo. Just a small one, nothing too big. Colored. Not black. I'm not a fan of the big bulky tattoos.

But I will think about it. Just like I have with several other tattoos. I eventually decided not to get them, but I really REALLY like the idea of this one. We'll have to see.

I'm going to listen to some sweet tunes and fall asleep.

Nope. Just kidding. I just realized, I forgot to send in my mentoring notes. I need to do that before bed time.

I still can't believe that JUST happened

Let my give you two bits of information and see if you can put this tale together yourself.

1.The improv troupe that I am part of holds a free workshop every Friday at 4 for everyone to come in and learn the trade. I always go. It's where I started, and it's where I will continue to learn for the time being.

People come and go. I never pay much attention. But, this girl shows up late the very first week I am back in Cedar City. Not a big deal, I was a bit late too. But I slid in quietly.

She was wearing a tail. Weird. But so is everyone to a degree.

She was loud. Ugh.

She halted the warm up to a stop by criticizing her friend... Ok... maybe she doesn't know better...but she's starting to bother me.

After we warm up, while our teacher is trying to convey a message about what we would be doing, she keeps talking and giggling throughout what he was saying. Then would say THE MOST stupid things in the world because she wasn't listening.

She gets up, does a scene and it mostly fails. My friend Nate carried her the entire way through. It was hard to watch.
But then she starts talking like she is god. Like she runs the show. And like she has years of experience. It was getting really annoying.

Everyone was super annoyed.

An hour and a half later, I could not be there in the same room with her.

Anyway, it's hard for me to say I hate anyone, but I have an extreme dislike for her.

2. My room is for rent. Literally my room. I was looking to share it with another person, and they'd sleep here... in my room with me.

Ok. You've got all the information you need.

Tell me what you think happened.

The winner gets a prize!

GO!

The last few days

have been super rough.

I can't remember the last time I stayed up until 5 am having such intense anxiety that I couldn't even breathe. Actually, I remember. It was back when I had the 60 year old woman as my roommate. And she was like constantly throwing bad joojoo my way... and she had those damn chihuahuas... Yeah. That was over a year ago.

So it felt out of place.

It wasn't right.

I thought I was done with those anxiety attacks.

I've wanted to smoke these last few days.

Cigarettes.

Weird, right?

I've never smoked. In my whole life.

Why do I suddenly want to do that?

But it seems like it'd calm me down.

I don't know. That sounds ridiculous.

They would probably make like 50 more times anxious than I already am.

but anyway.

I can't stand these feelings.

They are not helping me. Today, I was so mad, that I realized these feelings have to stop. These stupid thoughts in my head are done. That's it. I fired them. They can't live in my head. They are no more.

Shit

I just came to this horrible realization.

I have to get out of Utah.

Nothing New

I never get any new emails, text messages, or facebook notifications.

I would just like to chat with people for the sake of chatting.

Mystery Noise

My laptop was making this strange noise recently. Whenever I would tilt my laptop forward, or backward it sounded as if something on the inside broke loose and was sliding. It concerned me at first, then I discovered that everything was functioning properly, so I figured it'd be fine.

I didn't know what was causing it. That's what bothered me the most. there wasn't an answer to what was causing this noise, and I sure they hell was not about to take my lap top apart and ruin it in the process.

But just now, I was watching a little program on my laptop and there is there little drive of some sort on the side of my laptop (which if you've ever seen my lap it looks like it's straight from the 90's)

I, being bored with this program pushed down the flap and looked inside. Something goldish in there! I strategically put a bobby pin in to hold down the flap, and then tilted my laptop to the side. The edge of this mystery object came out. I slid it out, only to find a gold button. Like I button for a coat, or something.

Now, what is going to bother me is the mystery of how the hell this button got inside my laptop.

Bryce Canyon National Park

I lost the battery charger for my camera. So, all I have are a couple of pictures from my camera phone. It was probably better that way, so I could spend more time experiencing nature instead of trying to photograph it.

This was one of the most vibrant rainbows I've ever seen. And I could see it go so far down into the canyon. A long time ago, in church I think, they talked about how rainbows are complete circles. Along the way of life, I forgot. But being able to see 3/4 of the rainbow circle, I was able to remember.

It was fantastic.

The Natural Bridge. At the look out right before this one, a German man was photographing my license plate. He said "Sehr cool." And I said "Danke." His face lit up as when I spoke a bit of his language. He looked like he wanted to say more, but I was getting in my car and I waved a bit and said "Tchus" It looked like he said the same as I shut my door.

I had an interesting experience on this trail. As I'd pass people, or people would pass me, I'd pick up bits of their conversation. But when I started stringing together what they were saying, it felt like each of them had something they needed to share with me.
About 20 minutes before I came into this little slot type canyon I heard a woman say "You could take a picture around every corner." 5 minutes down the path I heard a man say "Pictures don't do this place justice" and then to end this line of conversation strangers were having with me one sentence at a time a woman said "You're experiencing nature. Nature is not static. That is why you can't capture it on film, or in drawings. You have to live it."

The switchback await me.

They were harder than they looked too.

I have a friend who thinks my hair is perfect, and that I am one of those girls who wakes up the morning after sex looking just as beautiful and sexy as I did when I went to sleep, with my hair in place and my make will not be smudged.

Well, I'm not wearing make up, but my hair speaks for itself.

To put people at ease, when I awoke, I sent them a picture message of myself. Showing that I was alive and well and I wasn't eaten by bears, struck by lightening, or tied up in someone's trunk. In fact, the only "bad" thing that happened was I stubbed my toe on the way to my car to find the flash light I had forgotten in there.

I kept a pretty good personal journal of my thoughts feelings and emotions while I was at Bryce.

The stars there are so beautiful.

If only I could find some words to express a small portion of my experience of gazing at the stars, I would be pleased.

Dear Guy I Like,

I have a crush on you.

I wish I could tell you.

I think you're attractive.

I think you're funny.

I want to talk with you about frivolous things.

When you cross my mind, I smile.

Do I ever cross your mind?

I hope so.

Love,

Lizzy

I cry in public.

It's true.
I cry a lot.

And sometimes, I'm too busy, and I have to cry, and I just happen to be in public.

Just so you know it's okay to look at me when I cry.

It's totally fine to acknowledge me as another human.

I'm experiencing my emotions is all.

I don't have a disease. I promise.

Love,

Lizzy

Stolen Blackberries are Delicious

Today, I had a heavier training about work.

In not so many words, we were learning about people who cut, why they cut, and how to help.

It was important, but not exactly a spirit lifter.

During the meeting, I sent my friend Chris Bodily a text message. We went and grabbed a drink at Starbucks. I told him of my experience learning an introduction to clowning, and mime. I told him all my improv seems to suck right now. He related. He told stories of similar experiences. It's good to feel like you're not alone in silly little mistakes you make. It was good to see him. I love Cedar City. I love the people here. It will be hard to move. However, I think I've out grown Cedar. Chris agreed.

When I got home my roommate was picking blackberries from a bush next door. I thought people live there. She doesn't think people live there. I have a small hope that people live there, because if they do, we stole their blackberries. And they taste better when I think they are stolen.

I made a simple pasta dish for dinner. The sauce was olive oil, garlic and Italian herbs. Way better than I thought it would be. Yum.

Well, today is a little better.

Before during and after my 24 hour shift, I felt like I was going through one of my emotional funks. I woke up on Sunday morning from an unusual dream.

I was working, and I was on a break and in Des's office, just chatting about the many stresses of the job. In a moment, Des had to leave, and I sat down behind her desk, and a woman came in. In a whirl she told me she could see through the smiling mask I wear, and can see the deep sadness in my heart. This strange woman approached me and touched softly the side of my face, it was the kind of touch a mother might have given a young child, then she covered my eyes. See, I couldn't tell if she was actually speaking or if her voice was echoing inside my mind. See what it would have been if it wasn't for you. A flash went in front of my closed eyes. I saw something.

I startled awake. I exhaled. Recalling my dream, I smiled. I felt like I had made a difference, I felt important. There was a brief moment where I thought that my existence had meaning. I thought I was something. Then, I tried to recall the vision I had seen, and I vaguely recall something about a boy... then there was nothing. As quickly as the good feeling came as I awoke, it left. I saw nothing. There was nothing. Nothing would be different without me. It was just a dream. I am just a speck on a map. I am just 1 person out of 6.8 Billion people. I am not unique. I'm low in the pecking order at that, in many aspects of my life.

24 Hours of MSPA

For those of you who don't know. I work at a boarding school for "troubled" youth. For a long time, I would work swing shift during the weekdays and continue to go to school. Here and there I'd pick up a weekend shift, rarely would I work a morning or grave, but it would happen. Recently, there has been a lot of changes, where team leaders have left, or gotten promoted, or staff have moved on and gotten better jobs. Things have changed and I've stepped in on the weekends. I usually will work a double on Saturday followed by a double on Sunday 8 AM to 12 AM. Since I got back from Chicago, my schedule hasn't been the same, as much as I wanted it to be. I am now scheduled morning shift on Sunday, and that is about it.

The grave staff asked me to pick up a couple of shifts, one 12 AM to 8 AM on 8/1/10 and the other 12 AM to 8 AM on 8/2/10. Because I was already working from 8 AM to 4 PM on the first, I declined the first shift, but took the other one. I was planning on Sunday to go home sleep from 4 to 10 and go back to work at midnight. Then I got a phone call asking me if I could stick around, because they were short staffed. I laughed, then realized, I really needed the hours. So I said yes. So, I worked morning shift. From 8 to 4, immediately followed by swing from 4 to midnight then grave from midnight to 8!

Go me.

The hardest part is after the kids go to bed. Now, I need to stay awake and check on the kids frequently. But I have plenty of time to do random little things throughout the night.

Here's what I did from 11 PM to 1 AM:

I watched Alice in Wonderland.

I painted my toe nails.

I started drinking some green tea.

I also did my job, you know doing the bed checks and everything.

From 1 AM to 1:35 AM

I watched Ghost Busters UNTIL

A girl got back from her home visit, then I went through her luggage to make sure there there is no contraband in her luggage.

We talked about how she missed her shuttle and got back late. Then I sent her to bed.

I then continued to watch ghostbusters.

At 2 AM

I played with carrots. And grapes. I made faces with the grapes and carrots.

Talked to a co worker, exchanged bed check times.

Checked on the girls and tripped over a purse.

Listened to a girl mumble in her sleep "He put his hand on her face."

And that's where I am now.

2:18. AM. I knew that 2-3 would be really rough for me.

I'm drinking Green Tea. With Raspberry. It's not as good as I had hoped.

I wish I was drinking tension tamer tea, on my couch at home listening to this american life as I relax for the day.